My choices

My choices in life have been safe, stupid, shaky and often successful, if not just ok. My choice to marry a white American was not based on need, status and all that crap people think about all the time.... It was based on a divine appointment....there i said it! yap!, a divine appointment...where God is actually part of the whole deal. Again, yap! a divine appointment.

I saw my husband, didn't like him. He liked me, and he loved Jesus. That's pretty cool. I love that about a man! Well, God had led both of us to each other because we were both praying the same prayer separately without each other knowing about it. We both had 3 things in common that were key to our union. We were Believers of Jesus Christ the Son of God, lovers of the Word of God and lovers of people. We knew about all other things as we dated for a year and a half before saying our "I do's"

7 Years later, I still do, like never before. I love this man, and he loves me too. We love our children to death, and we would both do anything for them. We are seriously involved in our multi-cultural, multi-national powerful Holy Ghost fire filled church in a very diverse state. We have amazing friends and family and we have love, joy and all the things that regular people have. We work hard to provide for our family. We work hard to remain sane in America. We cry together, i cry more when i don't know if we'll have dinner or not. I even cry harder when i realize that i'm so far from home. I cry pretty much all day if i think how many miles of oceans have to be crossed just to see my mom!

I really want to go back home.

I happen to be one of those people who 'flew out". I chose to come out here and study....because i failed to secure a place in a local University - So, we found a nice college, dad paid all the tuition and i graduated. My parents were thrilled. It was just an AA. I lived pretty well with my bro, didn't have to struggle with work and rent....forever grateful to my bro and his wife. I say this coz some siblings come out here, but their families kick them out.. Anyhow, I thought i was done with school, but the day after my graduation, a new Bachelor program was starting and my dad enrolled me in. SO, i was stuck for another 3-4 years. It wasn't bad at all.

But school didn't work out for me. It was too depressing to watch my dad send lots of money to pay some private college. I stopped going to school, and i told my dad i would pay for myself. Of course it didn't happen. Instead i looked for work, had a roommate and my life as an adult began. I dated a guy, got bored, and sunk myself (or may be God did) into spiritual works. I became a worship leader for a ministry, and before i knew it, i got hooked. It was lovely, and i came to really love the Lord, and He's like my best friend right now. I listen to Him, which is hard to. I worship Him even when I'm mad at him, and I love Jesus with all of my heart.

I met my husband at church, and He's the best thing that ever walked on earth. Cool, graceful, wise, intelligent and a hard worker. Our kids are gracious, energetic and what a blessing! We love, we laugh and we live our lives to serve God, each other, our family and those around us. Problem is I'm 33, and i think this is the age where being in America isn't doing it anymore for me. I'm thinking it's the hormones that are honking.............peep peeeeeeeep! America is it for you..... go back home now, there are things for you to do there.........c'mon, life is cheaper, better, and you'll be with your family. peeeeep!!...........Kenya is calling.......how can you be here for so long??..........your mom and dad need you!...........they are getting older!.......you are the only girl, how can you leave your mom by herself? .......c'mon............what are you doing there?...................you are the underachiever in your whole family..............look at you!!!

.............ok! sometimes, i don't know if it's me or the enemy. I don't blame God anymore, He has my best interest in his hands.

Waking and going to Kenya won't work. There is 4 of us. I'm not alone. I can't just get up and leave. The waiting is killing me, I'm growing impatient, i'm crying alot, and i'm in a place where I've never been before. I've never felt like this before, and before i have a nervous breakdown, i need to know that God did not intend for me to be one of those lost relatives. I have a mom and dad who i adore and would love to see everyday. I have 5 amazing talented bright brothers, who have married gracious, respectful women - who have made them beautiful children - my nephews and nieces. Now, I'm I supposed to be Joseph, Moses or Joshua who had to leave and come back when they were 156 years old? I don't think so.

I really want to go back home. I think age is catching up with me.

A woman empowered without credentials.....

I started out small, just like the rest of everyone else.
With a family so close knit, faithful and ambitious, i ventured into good things, all coming through the generous hands of my father, my hero, who up to this day, I credit for my ambitions as small as they might seem.
I credit him for the knowledge, will and strength i carry with me in all that i do. He might be far right now - in Kenya, but he's forever edged in me. So is my mom and 5 brothers.
My husband is the cornerstone of me, where i fall on everyday. A soul mate who i can't see a future without. That's how much he means to me. My 2 girls, my flesh and blood. Enough said about that. Before i forget...i also ventured into bad things, mistakes, bad decisions and all...but that's life.

Then comes all others. My sisters (brother's wives), my friends, the church, hobbies, dreams and all. Great stuff, scary stuff, hard decisions, sleepless nights, demanding kids, fast lifestyle, $$ less accounts and all the good things too.

BUT I am a woman empowered. Empowered by ambition, dreams, hopes, aspirations and need to change the world. I don't have economic credentials, neither do i have a big title behind my name. I don't even have an Electrical Engineering degree, or a Masters in International Development or 20years of experience in a financial Institution. I am just empowered. With my business degree and 10 years of experience in corporate America, Non-profit and my 24/7 family, I am empowered to change to change the world, one child at a time.

In my life, i have women i look up to, starting with my mom. A teacher for over 30yrs, she taught me how to listen, nurture and love. Though strict, and a woman you can't lie to, she's my mother with all great intentions. She knows best, but i don't tell her everything.

My sister in-law, whose name remains with me, is such an inspiration to me. She knows it, but I'm not sure how much. She was apart of my life for so long before moving back to Kenya. I watched her talk, think and venture into things, and where she's is today, she remains a strong empowered example of an unstoppable woman. She is changing the world, one child at a time.

That's exactly what I am inspired to do, but i remain a woman empowered without credentials..

Love is not complicated: Step Out

Step out:

The Love of Christ is not complicated
It's as simple as: Love your God,
With all your heart, with all your strength
With all your soul and with all your mind.
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Step out of your comfort zone.
Step out of your 'sleek cozy self.
Reach out and touch the untouchable
Step out and love the unlovable
That's what love's all about.

Let's step out of our 'clicks'
Let's step into the world of the rejected
Let's reach out to the unfashionable
Reach out to the disregarded
Step out unto those hurting deep inside

Let's be real. Let's be true
It hurts to see 'smiles' that don't mean a thing
It hurts to see the unloving folk preach on love
Yet, they won't step out and reach out.
It hurts to see my Savior's love misused

It's easy to say 'i can't love everyone'
Easy to say 'they don't like me'
Easy to say 'they are not my type'
Easy to say 'they ain't cool enough for me'
Questions is: Were you ever cool enough for Christ?

A love so humble
A love so real
A love that heals.
A love that makes me so very whole
A love like Christ.

US a nation of cowards on racial matters.

That's right..........he said, the first African American Attorney General...what i like best is this comment as he said it, '

"Even when people mix at the workplace or after work social events, Holder argued, many Americans in their free time are still segregated inside what he called "race-protected cocoons."

"Saturdays and Sundays, America in the year 2009 does not in some ways differ significantly from the country that existed almost 50 years ago. This is truly sad," said Holder.

Now, across the nation, that has dug up stress, tension and hang ups, but most importantly, it's waking us up from a deep slumber of ignorance, outdated mentalities and pure negligence of the human race. And i say that because.........

it's over the top to pretend to be the most diverse nation - and behind closed doors, you'd rather be dead than be supervised by that so and so..or eat with so and so, or be seen with so and so in your new Farmer's Market. Yeah, 50 years ago, it happened, it's still happening. That gold plated diversity only exists in our minds..

It's hedious to pretend to be the most diverse people while we give shady and cheap reasons why Obama didn't get your vote, like: "we need to know him", He's a muslim', Who is he? C'mon what happend to the simple english words that frightens the cheese out of Californai cows? Those ol' good words....he's a black man, i can't vote for him.

Chimpanzees and the Country of cowards...

If i remember clearly, chimps are apes that live in the jungles of Africa (for sure) and may be in other countries too....never been to another jungle before. They are wild, dangerous, carnivorous and bigger than humans.

Well now, to call one of these a 'son' and also say it feels like "i gave birth to it" is beyond my human understanding.....i've been accused before of being slow, so I'm working on it. It's disgusting and stupid. IT IS WRONG to keep a wild animal in your house. Just because you love baboons and hyenas doesn't mean they can turn into humans...no, they were created to live in the bushes.

Back to my other point..

The chimpanzee cartoon on new York Times? showing 2 cops praying bullets on it, and the cops were quoted as saying, "they'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill". That is wrong, careless and racist, and anyone who sees otherwise should have a mental check up. With all the progress America has made race wise, with the 1st black president, and first black attorney general, c'mon, how arrogant, stupid, uneducated and foolish do we have to act as opposers of this progress? People of the other color, get over it!

I'm not only ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted as a woman of color in America, but i think we have to revisit...the country of cowards topic...

.

Nakumatt Fire in Nairobi

You know what....sometimes i cry when i think about the people who perished in the Nakumatt fire in Nairobi....yeah, i know It's not like people haven't died before in fire, but it's sad cuz they did not see it coming, and those who did could not escape..apparently, the EXIT signs lead to cemented dead end tunnels. And the story about the employees closing the doors asking customers to pay before leaving???? oh my God!

That to me is something that I would never understand. How....is it that at this time and age, being a metropolitan city in training, one that boasts of being an International major point of entry to the East African Market, and a city that has some of the best restaurants, hotels and International companies in Africa. Nakumatt and other similar public places should have posted Safety and Environmental Health Regulations and Requirements on the entrace way. This is not something to think about. It should be mandatory, and no one company that doesn't adhere to these regulations be allowed to exist.

A generation of quality...not quantity

When i was a small girl, i remember spending alot of time with my family, giving and helping and building the society in different ways. ...well, my dad did most of it. We knew about it though. There is a such a rewarding thing in giving and helping change a life.

I want my girls to experience quality. I want them to be excited about life. To see first hand what it means not to have shoes on their feet...i'm not talking about having them walk barefoot in the desert..I want them to understand what it means not to have endless toys and what it means not to have 100 TV shows to choose from. To know what it feels like when a girl their age doesn't have shoes - i would like them to give them the shoes themselves. I want them to be apart of a generation that will value quality over quantity. A generation that recognises that giving, helping, sharing, accountability and responsibility are apart of their life.

The Kenyan in me wonders.

Sometimes i wonder what Africa did to deserve heartaches, wars, corruption, greed, disease, hunger and manipulation by the rich. Sometimes i wonder why people sit back and watch cities deteriorate, hunger choke families to death and I also wonder why corrupt, greedy and selfish men and women are elected to run office, while it's obvious they can't run themselves.

I also wonder why the gap between rich and poor is so large. I wonder how a politician who has been in government for over 40 years is still in government being paid with taxpayer money and has no progress, performance or accountability of any kind. Isn't there shame anymore? I wonder how wives and the children of mindless politicians sleep at night.

I also wonder, isn't it embarrassing to ask for an allowance while your work is to sleep, wake up, eat goat, sleep through the 13th commission of inquiry, eat more goat and sleep some more? Isn't it like really embarrassing to make more money than any other elected official in the world, and still have your constituents die of hunger? How does someone sleep at night with all that guilt? I'm just wondering....

Because i believe.

When i was little, i thought the world was all the way to the moon and back. Didn't think about Iceland and Northpole and Southpole and Greece, or even America. Where i was, was the whole world, and on board was mom, dad and my brothers. Unfortunately as a big and grown woman as I am today, that old mentality came all aboard with me to the States. Nothing shocked me more than the realization that I had to grow up really fast, accept that other people besides my family existed, and learn how to work, be responsible and accountable. I haven't arrived, it takes a while. 12 years later, i've become a wife, mother and friend to many, and I'm still learning that mom, dad and my brothers have their own lives now. I have my wonderful DH, kids and friends and must move on and appreciate this moment, this now. I love every bit of it, so much that i can't imagine my life without them

But i want more,because i believe in more. Remember my previous blog about those women and children? That's my heart right there, and I'd die trying to help a girl achieve at least some of what i have. I would die saving a mom from a broken heart and I would die helping a family see the light at the end of a tunnel. Those are strong words, but my life isn't complete unless i reach out and place some of the blessings i have in somebody else, who has a lesser chance. This is because i believe i was created for a purpose. To make His praises Glorious, and also reach out and extend a much needed hand.

I don't think I'm sick, it's just the truth

It's funny how people come to America and stay for so long ....year and years without going back.
It's also funny how people go back home and come back with great or horror stories.
It's also really funny how you can stay here for 20 years and it's okay.
It's not so funny that I don't understand how that works....I don't think I'm sick, it's the truth.

I don't know how we do this. I can't quite seem to get it....how people can just stay here without really seriously craving to go back home. Is it the money? cheap food? convenience? security? I mean, there are millions of Kenyans who are still back home, working hard, paying their dues as citizens, and leading great lives...That means there is security, jobs, cheaper food and even more quality than quantity.

I don't think I'm sick, It's just the truth. I am dying to go back, i can't wait to go home. I have been there before, and I would die if someone told me i would still be here in the next 3 years...seriously, I don't think I'm sick, it's just the truth. People don't understand me, i drive them crazy with my desire to go back. Yes, there are things to do there, work to do and things to take care of. More than ever, we all need to go back home and build the country. We need to take our customer service skills, accounting and administrative skills to the public sector that so needs it. We need to shift our mentality and become responsible citizens. Please don't tell me you are waiting to start a business, or you are waiting to buy a house, or waiting to save a million dollars. Please don't tell me there are no jobs, and security is bad, or you are used to some fancy little life abroad. There is plenty to do in Africa. Please don't tell me the government does not help people. John F. Kennedy said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"

Ever think about them?

Ever thought about how lucky you are to have an education, endless isles of food, warm beds, movie tickets, designer clothes, vacations, endless gadgets bought and brought home in your automobile that you have no problem filling up the tank?

I think about all the young girls in Kenya without hope and sanitary pads, so they stay home for 4 days a month, and miss school. I think about all the little girls that dream big yet see no reality is sight. I think about all the little girls who have no one to tell them they love them, or someone to hold their hand and teach them how to use a computer. I think about them all the time.

I think about the woman whose child is looking into her eyes, and in return she looks away because she has nothing to offer. I think about the woman who chooses death instead of torment. I think about the father who has no legacy to leave behind as his children are dying. I think about them all the time.

What occupies your mind? What do you think about, besides your own life as it is?