My desire, His will, our plans, His Ways and my husband.

This morning i took my kids to school, and came back home to cry again.

I miss my mom so much. I miss my dad too. I miss having them with me, and i miss talking to them and laughing, and getting mad and laughing some more. Born as the only girl with 5 brothers, i never imagined in my wildest imagination that i would live my life without my family. They are alive and well, just not here. A million miles away, and i can't drive there, or take a train. It takes 2 days to fly there, and it takes lot's of money, which we don't even have half of it.

My mom is amazing. She has gone through so much, some good and some bad. She has stood by her man, my dad, through tornadoes and storms. They have demonstrated what family is like, and i truly admire them for that. They have raised 6 great children, my brothers & I and they are also blessed with 12 grand children, 2 of which are strangers. My 2 girls have only seen my parents twice. My dreams and wishes for my children to be a part of my parents lives, have never come true. In my wildest imagination, i never thought that my life would end up like this. Yet I"m thankful, and I'm blessed and I thank God for my life. That said, I'm also a daughter and a sister and a mother who has a desire to see her children play with my parents. I desire for them to have a rlationship. I desire for them to laugh, have fun, and run around and sing and play together.

Though it's only been 3yrs since i saw my parent, it really hurts deep inside my heart. My heart pains at the thought of another year without seeing my mom. I always imagined my life will be near hers. I always imagined her playing with my kids all time. I always imagined my kids hanging out with cucu(grandma) in her house. I imagined us laughing and talking about stuff. She missed my prime years, the time between 20-28yrs when big decisions, emotions, reality, understanding and wisdom sets in. She was there on the phone, but not by my side. She was there in spirit, but not holding my hand. I had both of my kids while she was away. It is hard for me that she's not a part of my life anymore. Sometimes i break down and cry and just cry, until i can't cry anymore...i think this writing helps me deal with it. My husband is awesome, but he can't understand the pain, and he never will. He is American and he is at home. I am not.

It's hard for me to understand why God intended it this way. It's hard for me to comprehend that the will of God is his alone, and not ours, and I've gotta be adjusted and aligned to this will. What's His will exactly?. As an only girl in my family, who grew up with everything she wanted, love, hugs, education, good clothes, money, etc...is this all for me? was my life with my wonderful husband and 2 great children meant to be without the rest of my family? was it meant for me that I'ld the lost relative who lived in a foreign land all her life? were my kids meant to grow without the love of my parents? was my mom meant to be tortured with the urge to hold and rock my children? Is that God's will? Why does it hurt so bad?

I will never understand why this is so. My husband is the rock of our family, he's my soulmate and i love him with all of my heart. He's the head of this household and he knows what i'm going through. He's supportive and he says in due time God will make it happen. What if God's will is that it never happens? What if I'm one of those people who God created to live faraway from their parents, brothers and nieces and nephews? How is one supposed to live with that? What if my kids were never meant to know my parents, hold their hands and go play in the park? My kids just see their pictures and they know they are my parents...but that's it. But is it so wrong to want them to play with my parents, hear stories of how i grew up? Is it so wrong for that to really happen?

When i cry, i write a lot, and it helps me feel better. I believe that my relationship with God is beyond emotions, needs and pressure. I also know and I believe in divine appointment, but sometimes it's hard for me to see or know what's in this for me. How can i hurt so much, yet i love Jesus so much - understanding that He'll make the way. I didn't come to this country becase there was war in my country. We were not poor and we were not suffering. I came here to follow my older brother who was here before me. He's since gone back home - almost 4yrs now. He came here and he knew he had to go back home, and he did. He took a risk, and it worked. My family is now closer, but I am not a part of that. They meet without us, they plan without us, and their kids play without my kids. That hurts and I'm not sure how it will stop. I have missed so much of my parents lives, they've missed so much of my children's lives and I can't seem to stop this craziness. Life is too short, and I'm scared of the consequences of short life.